In the three weeks since I last posted in this space, a lot has changed.
The main thing has been the formal end to a relationship that began about 9 years ago. After 8 years happily sharing this home, Molly and I decided to go our separate ways in friendship and respect, and I’m now officially a bachelor.
The most obvious thing I notice about these days of transition is the return to my own ways of living. Every relationship is a compromise; that’s not a bad thing. But the end of a relationship leaves questions: what, exactly, am I about?
Turns out I’m about what I’ve been saying I was about for some time: music, nature, community. I like to ride my bike and play my uke and muck about in my garden; paddle my canoe, walk aimlessly around the city, and get out into the woods as often as I can.
I’m into bulk food and greens; I’ve discovered a farmer’s market that already feels like home. I unplugged the cable and turned the radios in the house to CBC which I listen to while making dinner.
Spirituality has come to the fore: I’m trying to meditate more, and doing my best to observe Ramadan as method of discipline for this time of transition.
A lot of the energy of this time of change has been poured into my professional writing for The Canoe Dossier; that’s a feeling I can’t describe but suffice it to say it’s a little thing that means a lot.
Conversation has taken on a deeper meaning, as I get to know myself again through others. I’m deepening connections in many directions with queries about the world, personified in those I connect with.
“Home” is the heart of the return to myself. I feel like I haven’t been here for a long while. Now I’m conscious of this old house breathing me in and out. My role is to ask the space what it wants of me and I get so much in return.
What does the future hold? Solar panels, maybe… rain barrels… fresh greens growing in the backyard, sprouts in the sink.
Probably some loneliness.
After all, this sounds like the raving of a weird old man. If only I had a woodpile to split and stack the picture would be complete. And several people have reminded me – cruelly, in some cases – that I’m not young anymore.
I thought I was. I feel like I am completely in my prime, these ways, these days.