At a time in our history when politics is a dirty, disappointing game, Canadians need a leader we can agree on.
Our ideal candidate combines the best attributes of all our leading politicians in perfect proportion.
Meet the next Prime Minister of Canada… Madame Giggy-Beth Harpton!
Doesn’t s/he cut a fine figure? And no wonder: In this noble visage are combined all the best bits of the leaders we know today: party leaders Stephen Harper, Michael Ignatieff, Jack Layton, Gilles Duceppe, Elizabeth May and departing Governor General Michaelle Jean.
We think you’ll agree that in Madame Giggy-Beth Harpton, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, especially when you see the process that went into creating him/her.
The ideal candidate begins with a solid foundation. There’s none better than the current Prime Minister, Stephen Harper of the Conservative Party. His pale, doughy countenance was the ultimate blank slate to begin building on. As the incumbent, this country’s future already rests on his blue-suited shoulders. What more can you say about him? Nothing, without starting a huge fight between right & left, east & west, hawk & dove, urban & rural, French & English, cat & dog & squirrel. That’s what makes this exercise necessary.
While Harper may be blandly handsome, his arch-enemy, Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff, is deemed devilishly good-looking, primarily by the Liberal press of course, but we digress. Speaking of arch: we think it comes down to the eyebrows. Highly placed on that noble brow, they give him the haughty mien of the career academic. Iggy may be too patrician for the populace, but a little taste of his elitist element, with his edumacation and publimacations and stuff won’t hurt our ideal candidate.
The opposite of a patrician is an everyman, and everyman has a moustache. Duh. And so, of course does left-leaning leader, everyman Jack Layton of the NDP. Layton’s moustache is the most semantically charged device in Canadian politics: it simultaneously allies him with the gays, and the guys in the factories. It’s a bridge-builder, and Lord knows we need some of those.
The eyes have it: As long as our Canada includes Quebec, any leader will need to court the favour of that provinces’ politically powerful population. To do that, you need the consistency, clarity, resolve and longevity of Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe – personified by the wolf-like glint of his green-grey eyes. Their addition gives our candidate the vision to succeed, oh Canada et au Quebec.
Now, we’re getting a little tough and grim-looking here – and way too masculine. The earthy, toothy, goofy grin of Green Party leader Elizabeth May is the antidote for all of that. Likable, disheveled, honest and unelected, May’s a great talker, constant smiler, and the most personable of the bunch. Her lipsticky, lopsided mouth makes our candidate friendlier by far. Where those reddish lips go, a green conscience follows. That’s something our Prime Minister needs.
Politics is a sport still mainly practiced by men in this country, and putting lipstick on a pig, or a prig, won’t change that. To right the yin-yang balance in our ideal candidate, we needed more than the librarian lips of Elizabeth May. We needed, in fact, more WOMAN. Not to mention an ethnic element none of our elected party leaders can claim to represent. Hence, the magnificent Haitian hairdo of our dear departing Governor General Michaelle Jean, who also lends the honorific “Madame’.
Her regal bearing, her exotic origins, her grace and class and glory literally crown the next Prime Minister of Canada:
Madame Giggy-Beth Harpton!
The first known hermaphrodite PM, and the only one ever to custom-combine all the finest features of all the main contenders, the best of the rest of the bunch, s/he stands on guard for us.
Coming soon to an election near you…
Photo credits: handout photos with alterations by Kerrin McNamara.