There’s a whole lot of “can’t” and “don’t” going on in Canada right now.
Wouldn’t it be preferable to celebrate the positive, like the liberties we enjoy?
Here’s a list of ten things we CAN do in CANada. Lucky us!
Go ahead, it’s legal. John A. Macdonald married his cousin, so it’s traditional as well. Your family probably shouldn’t do it several generations in a row, if you can help it, but don’t worry. Even if your risk of heritable genetic conditions being passed on to your kids goes up a little when you marry a cousin, it’s a perfectly acceptable practice. Plus, it reduces the number of family reunions you have to attend.
Not only can you marry your cousin in Canada; you can marry someone of the same sex. This increases the number of potential mates substantially, if you’re not picky about which sex you wind up with. I’m not aware of anyone having married their same-sex cousin, but it appears the “two-fer” would be legal.
If you’ve got ‘em, flaunt ‘em, especially in Ontario, Manitoba and B.C. Yes, you too ladies! For too long, the only saggy boobs Canadians could see at the beach belonged to older obese men. Thanks to our liberal dress codes, saggy boobs of all kinds can now be publicly bared.
4. Smoke dope.
Roll it, smoke it, and savour the high, knowing that as long as you’ve only got a small personal stash for personal use, you’re very unlikely to be arrested. If you’ve got clearance for medical marijuana, so much the better. While non-medicinal weed is not technically legal here, the annual 4/20 demonstrations proove nobody’s getting busted just for getting buzzed.
5. Hit your kids.
Go on, give them a good smack on the bottom, they deserve it! Yes, spank on, Canadian parents -if they’re between the ages of two and twelve it’s all good, as long as you’re not using a belt or a ruler, or smacking the little brats about the head, or being “degrading, inhuman, or harmful” in the process. Your kids may cry, your neighbours may scowl, your conscience may die a little… but the law’s on your side. You’re doing it for their own good, right?
6. Have a surrogate mother carry your child.
Why carry a kid yourself? They’re heavy. A woman with a womb with a view to helping a happy family along is performing a perfectly acceptable public service. You can’t pay her, mind you, but there are other services involving lady parts you CAN pay for…
7. Enjoy the services of an escort
It’s illegal to solicit sex in the streets in Canada, which means the ladies in the tall boots on the wrong side of town are a bunch of criminals. But sex in exchange for money is legal in Canada. So it’s totally okay to offer escort services, which makes the ladies advertising in the local weekly rag law-abiding citizens just like you. Note the little stars over their private parts in their profile pics. Ain’t that modest?
8. Have an abortion.
Suppose you’re an escort, doing your perfectly legal activities all over town, but you’re not quite careful enough on the birth control bit. Unless you want to be someone’s surrogate mom (unpaid!) your ability to operate your perfectly legal small business is going to be jeopardized. Thankfully, liberal abortion laws will let YOU get on with your work. Go on, have one. Have a couple! Canada is one of the few places in the world where there are no legal restrictions on abortion. So the only thing standing in your way is an angry person with a protest sign.
9. Commit suicide
Having an abortion is legally straightforward, but morally problematic. Is that a person you’re terminating? The jury’s out and not coming back in. When is it okay to kill? That’s another good question. The answer is that there is one bona fide person you can definitely kill. Here in Canada, you can commit suicide legally – without being arrested! Now that’s civilized.
10. Wear a burqa
Go on, wear a burqa while you can. Your fellow-citizens apparently want to ban the burqa. But for now, it’s more legal than smoking dope, and a lot less common than sleeping with an escort. Wearing a burqa is like marrying your cousin: you can legally do it, but hardly anybody wants to.
Strange, isn’t it, when there are so many things you CAN do in CANada, that the populace are upset about an item of clothing only a few women want to wear?
Thankfully, for now at least, a grown woman may dress as she damn well pleases. So you can don the garb of a fundamentalist Muslim woman here. You don’t have to be a fundamentalist Muslim, or even a woman.
You just have to be a lover of liberty.
Aren’t we all?
Photo credits: Shutterstock, with manipulations by Kerrin McNamara.